Queasy

Queasiness is the feeling you get after you've eaten the same type of birthday cake for two years straight for each family member's birthday, which was pre-empted by a farcical, barely entertaining half-play half-recycled movie script $60 per seat show. It might also possibly be the feeling of self betrayal that one has after he professes rehabilitation, then falls back into self-damaging, meaningless behavioral patterns about 5 hours later.

1 month and a few days before army, and I have the following things to do:

1) Train. Become Strong!
2) Sign up, study for SATS
3) Get a girlfriend so I won't have to bring a social escort to army functions noi'mnotthatshallowreallyjkjk
4) Get nice glasses. Set a time for this.

I gave a rather mediocre performance at the A levels, but even though one might think that I'd have gotten a jolt from this, things still feel pretty normal. It hasn't sunk in that I'm leading this life in a rather disdainful, directionless manner. (Note: I can't pretend I'm not self-conscious so dear readers, lets take my word for it that I'm not delving into any particular kind of angsting in particular, just a temporary, though hopefully long-lasting and effective frustration at my own lack of change. Or is that angsting? I would think that angsting brings along with it the implication of a lack of definitive action to respond to the bad feelings.)

Maybe the stiff fingers that ache while typing would be a sharper indication, but even though I keep saying to myself that it's either the piano or the keyboard, nothing's changed. I seem to have developed this idea that the relaxing effect that piano playing has on my fingers is a counteracting force to the stress of repeated mouse clicking and key tapping. ... I don't have words to sum up how stupid that sounds to me when I type it out.

At least I now have the coolest Soul Keeper in the world.
THe whole world.

That aside, it's been exactly a week since I've stopped working at that illustrious fine-dining experience. Really liked the people. Got really sick of the pay and the work though. And I ate so much pizza that my blood circulation spiked, temporarily giving me the ability to blush noticeably in front of a live audience. Tally in two $4 tips. Sweet. ( must try to keep in contact with karl, bishu, shaleenee, Atiqah)

Tales to recount include Korean cock lady, $50 tip, Cheapskate chinese lady, cheapskate indian man (The cheese on this hot pizza is runny).

It was also good to learn more about the dining attitudes of a Particular group of individuals within our community. I think many waiters could make the stab in the dark and hit the mark. Lala.

I'm still trying to set the line that distinguishes between what is decent and what is indecent blogging. By indecent blogging, I refer to that which the people who react to the knowledge that you blog with the words,' What?! you blog?' have in mind. I think their reaction can, on a logical level, be attributed to a disgust towards the seemingly easy emotional nakedness (especially angsting) that is present in some blogs, the way in which one opens up one's 'apparently' deepest emotions and beliefs to the world at large, some close friends but many (sometimes just) distant acquaintances as well..Attention seeking fake is the image in their minds eye............. The knowledge that your blog is not private leads to a self-consciousness which unconsciously alters your 'confessions' to fit some general consensus or another, isn't this an act of word whoring? My problem is not so much with catharsis, but with the fact that any belief statements on any blog are bound to be the good ones, or the understandable ones, and those alone... It's not real enough, my disdain is for the bloggers who think they're on primetime.

So why am I putting my belief statement up here?

Ten words beat a thousand.

Perhaps I am too cynical about this. The belief statement is certainly a valid self-expression. You can have the good impulse and the good belief but not be 100% good, maybe not even 40%. There are those who have strong feelings driving their beliefs, and perhaps it is all just an exercise in self-expression. But can it be denied that the public nature of blogging will always be manacles and chains?

I interpret one writer as attempting to mask the nakedness of raw emotion with the use of frequent, and many a time clever wordplay, poetry. Sadly, I do not have the culture to appreciate it fully. With the prerequisite skill, this style enables the writer to have more freedom of emotional expression, without, I suspect, the self-suspecting guilt that you're just crying out to anybody, anybody for a pat to the head. (Though in itself the style draws attention. Classy.) You could be showing your feelings to only those who know you well, or you could just be talking in code to yourself. It excludes strangers, lets in friends and those who would be. Open privacy.

I've just had a rather solid thought that I've written too much without proper reflection. Must figure out what I'm trying to say another time..