Ninjutsu!

My head seems to incline to a certain angle when i'm thinking without strain.

Yeah.

I have to study my transport in mammals by tonight...as well as a stats review and differential eqns overview.

And tomorrow... biological molecules... chemistry papers... organic chemistry review...

And no blogging, no. This is escapism.



At times, I feel trapped by this person that others know me by. 'That's just Ben' sounds awfully definitive of me sometimes, yet I know I do bring it upon myself at times... It seems, sometimes, as if I have no other choice but to be the a person that others see me as, or have known me to be..Logically, of course, this is not true.

I guess I try hard not to change... Partly because I like what I see, partly because what I am allows me to relate to the people who are most important to me, almost all of them, anyway. Partly because I'm afraid of what drives my need to change. Partly because I'm lazy.

Sometimes, I feel as if people don't treat me seriously enough because of my extrinsic appearance, behavior and all. I have been pondering as to whether I should graft my face off, get a cooler one.

And this is again, an empty hypothesis. The people who know me well will treat me seriously if I seriously ask them to do so. And that is a great blessing.

As these two years passed, I had found it hard at times, harder to be that person who makes my friends feel comfortable. Heh. Or perhaps its more objective to say that I've found it more difficult to relax, let loose, let go of my worries and my paranoia.

In spite of all the good things that have happened, in spite of the good things that sprang from the bad, my mind stubbornly sees defeat after defeat. Debate, a once-close classmate, wanting for something deeper with a friend who seems close and far at the same time... Lacking.. something from a someone and somehow my heart is still stubborn... But I can't see what it is..Acknowledgement, friendship, something more?

At the end of the day, it is 'people' who defeats me. A part of me has always quietly believed that I could do anything I set my mind to, be anything i wanted to be, and with regards to most of the endeavours that I have put considerable effort into, this idea has proven to be true in most cases.

But right now I feel as if anybody who sits in a room with me for ten minutes of conversation will either wither away from boredom or engage in self-styled meditation.

And this desperation, this unhappiness with myself that drives me to change, is horribly unsettling. I have a lot of days when the gaze of others upon me seems akin to a weighing scale, and the scale is always weighted on one end.

Its amazing. When the subject matter is yourself, inspiration to write just gushes.